Grief During The Holidays
Grief and Loss During The Holiday Season: Am I wrong for not feeling happy in what should be a happy time?
Hannah Seawell | December 2, 2020
This post is from the heart, emotionally charged, and very close to home. As it is my own personal experience, it may not match your experience with grief. I hope that by sharing some of my thoughts and feelings, I can put out some perspective maybe you haven't thought about, or maybe connect with you over this common hardship.
My sister, Jessica, passed away at the age of 32 in 2018. She lost her long and difficult fight with addiction and suffered an accidental overdose of what we believe to have been fentanyl laced cocaine. Addiction is a nasty illness; it takes over the mind and the body, leaving you with a person that is no longer the same. It replaces your old personality with a pleasure seeking drive, that will continue even when harm is being done. Addiction is powerful, scary, and very damaging (to the whole family). This blog post is not about addiction specifically, but I do plan to make another post about my experience with it in the future.
I once heard grief described as love, and since then, I have never been able to think of it any other way. Grief is just love after death. We love people so much that once they pass on, we miss them. We miss them immensely. We miss their presence, their love, their voice, their laugh. Grief is just a way of loving. I used to think "I wish I didn't feel this way" or "I wish it didn't hurt so much." I do still feel this way and does hurt A LOT. However, now I believe that I feel this way because I love my sister and I don't ever want to not. I will never forget about her or stop thinking about her. Me missing her is the same as me loving her, and that will never change.
Losing someone you love leaves a huge hole in your heart. A hole that can never be filled. While my heart can be filled with so many other things: love, marriage, school, family, it can never be filled where I lost my sister. That is something that can never be replaced. So while I can be happy about something else, I will always feel sadness for the loss of sister. You can hold both. Your mind and your spirit are strong enough and complex enough to hold more than one emotion at once. This holiday season, you may feel happy for Christmas or fun times, but still feeling an emptiness. That is okay. In my experience, it is normal to feel many things at once. It can be hard to explain to others these types of mixed emotions, which can often make it even harder. Feeling like you must be happy, and not knowing how to explain you also feel hard, can lead to internalizing. An example of this for me was my wedding. It was already a very spur of the moment, crazy situation and I was feeling sadness for my dad's poor health. I was also sad that my sister wasn't able to be there. She never got to meet my husband or get to know him. I was filled with sadness that day, but also immense joy. Simultaneously feeling loss with happy emotions does not make you crazy, it just means you love them. It is ok for you to feel sad during what should be a happy season. You lost someone and that never goes away. Grief doesn't take a break for the holiday. My mind tries to tell me that it should, but it does not and you can feel whatever you feel.
I have been learning this lesson for over two years now. I try to hold space for my emotions. I try to remember that what I am feeling is valid. I know this has become a cliché and a common saying, but it is true. Whatever feelings are coming up for you are real and it is ok to experience them.
Holidays can be hard for a number of reasons. Tricky family dynamics, unhealthy relationships, boundaries, trauma, and mental health are all things that can play into a holiday experience. Before Jessica died, holiday's were already tricky for me. Often times holiday events became chaotic and addiction caused tension. Knowing what I know now, I would take any one of these chaotic events back and do it again. However, we all know that's not an option. Holiday's are hard for other reasons now. My sister is not there. When the family gets together, one family member is missing. That is something that I will never get used to.
So, my advice? I don't really have any to be honest. There is no proper way to navigate grief. My only words for you are to feel what you feel. Let the feelings rise, sit with it, get to know it, and let it pass. They will pass. Feelings are temporary and don't stay with us forever. Let yourself experience the feelings that come up for you this Holiday season. Try not to buy into the idea that because it is a holiday, you have to be happy (or 100% happy). It is ok to be 50% happy and 50% sad. or 50% mad. or whatever it is you feel.
If it helps you, you can try to find some way to honor the person you lost during the holidays or important times. For me, I like to go to the cemetery. I used to think it was creepy and sad before my sister died (I had never really experienced death this close to me and never understood it). Now, I find it peaceful. I know I can connect with my sister anywhere, but something about being there is peaceful for me.
I wish you all the best this holiday season. If you have experienced loss and are feeling worried or uneasy about the holidays, know that my heart is with you. I am also having mixed feelings about the holidays. Know that you are loved and people care about you. You are not alone in feeling grief. It can feel very lonely and like no one understands. True, no one may understand your personal walk with loss, but others have felt loss and know the pain of it. I pray you don't feel alone this season and don't feel wrong for feeling your feelings.
So much love,
Hannah Seawell
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