Our Wedding - Changing Plans

A Change in Plans

Hannah Seawell | 10/04/2020

    I am a planner. I plan out my day with a to-do list. Sticky notes and iPhone reminders are a must for me. I use a weekly & monthly planner to organize my school assignments, meetings, due dates, and anything else going on. I am constantly envisioning my 5 year plan. However, as we all know, life sometimes throws us for a loop and our plans don't fit our reality anymore. Plans change.

   

    The love of my life, Will, proposed to me on July 25, 2020. It was the happiest day of my life. Just two months ago, we were planning on getting married in two years; after I finished my masters degree. I had it all planned out the way I thought I wanted and expected it to go. I would finish grad school in May, 2022, I would get my first "big girl" job that summer, we would get married that fall, and move in together. We would definitely get a dog at that point! Perfect right? Every detail accounted for. 

   

     Well, at the beginning of September my dad became critically ill. He was admitted to the hospital with doctors thinking he had a case of pneumonia. My dad has had pneumonia numerous times before, so it felt like a common diagnosis. However, he continued to worsen and his breathing was becoming severely labored. Still thinking he had a case of pneumonia, my mom called me one morning while I was in Raleigh, with Will. She said that my dad's breathing was very impaired, he may need to be put on a vent, and that if I wanted to speak with him, that was the time. He was then admitted to the intensive care unit (ICU) for more individual care. 

   

    The doctor's in the ICU discovered that he did not actually have pneumonia, but a severe lung condition called idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. This is basically scarring of the lung tissue that makes breathing very difficult. They informed us that he was currently having a "flare up." At one point, the doctors were very transparent with us and prepared us for the worst. They basically told us he would either turn the corner for that flare up or he would get much worse. If he were to get worse, he would need to be put on a ventilator to breathe for him. My dad has been put on a ventilator many times before. The doctors felt that with his history on ventilators, it would be extremely difficult to get him back off it this time. From there, we began discussing end of life options and care. The doctor's told us even if he did turn the corner of this flare up, he would definitely have more, and they may be worse than this one. The illness is incurable. They told us he likely only had about 6 months left to live. 

    

    On the way home from the hospital that night, I mentioned to my mom and Will that if he continued to worsen, I wanted to get married while he was still able to be present with. us. Thinking in that moment that would be a few weeks away at least, months maybe. I didn't sleep at all that night. I have anxiety on a normal day, but this just intensified all of my worry. I got up from my sleepless night at 5 am and sat in our living room. When my mom got up we chatted about my dad and the situation. Will had stayed at our house that night and he came downstairs soon after I did. My mom asked us if we were serious about getting married with my dad there; we said yes, and it was go time from there. Of course, I had class that morning, so I was occupied from 9am - 12pm. My mom is an employee at that hospital and she told her boss about the idea. Her boss, so kindly and generously, put together the entire ceremony. She got it approved for us to have our families there, use the chapel, and for my dad to come in his hospital bed. She is a true star! It was so beautiful; they incorporated the color yellow and sunflowers, my favorites! That morning, I called a pastor I am close with and asked if he could officiate, that day! He was shocked but totally for it. Will and I rushed to get outfits at Belk and get our marriage license. The ceremony was more beautiful and perfect than I could have imagined. In my mind, I had pictured Will and I, the officiant, and maybe a few close family members in my dad's hospital room. With so much love and effort from employees of the hospital, it was so much more than that. By the end of that day, Will and I were married! 

   

    I don't want this post to sound like I regret our ceremony, that I am unhappy, ungrateful, or anything like that. I am immensely grateful and blessed that we were able to celebrate that moment with my dad. While the circumstances were not ideal, the ceremony was beautiful, special, and incredibly important for us. It was a bittersweet day. 

    

    Our plans were changed. Due to a situation out of our control, our lives were shaken and we switched up our wedding plans to fit our actual life, not our fantasy, ideal life. This is something I am still processing, coming to terms with, and trying to accept. Our reality has changed since we made our original plans and we are in a completely different space. We have to make new plans. I am overwhelmingly in love with Will and ecstatic to be his wife, and at the same time, I am also filled with worry, fear, and sadness about my dad. 

    

    Sometimes, we make plans and cling to them so tightly, because of our fear of the unknown. For me, it makes things less scary if I can have some certainty with an action plan. The problem is, life is uncertain! We can't predict the future or know every detail to come. As hard as we may try, we can't always stick to our original plans. As my mom always says, plan a may not work, but there is always a plan b. 

    

    For the past few weeks, I have felt like I was in an in-between place of life. Trying to let go of our old plans and realizing we need new plans. I am trying to accept and understand that our marriage didn't start how or when I imagined, but it is with the person I love. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter when, where, or how. It doesn't matter when we move in together or get a dog. It does matter that we have so much love for each other, our families, and all of our loved ones. 

    Things have been put into perspective for me. It is not about the plans, rather, who do your plans involve? For me, life is so much about the people in it. I am learning to give up my need for certainty and planning, so that I can be more present in my actual life and spend the time I have with the people I love. I am trying to let go of some of that need for control, in order to fully appreciate what comes my way. 

   

     New philosophy: stop clinging so tightly to your self-made plans. Let go and enjoy what comes your way. Life will not always work out in the way you imagine it, but you have a big imagination and you can rethink it! When life throws you for a loop, don't panic and get stuck on the ride. It is okay to keep moving and figure things out as you go. Don't allow your own plans to prevent you from experiencing all that your life has to offer! Life is uncertain, you will not always have certainty, and that is ok. 

    An update on my dad currently: He did indeed turn the corner for that flare up! We have been given the blessing of more time. He is at home with us. His breathing is still impaired and he has a hard time getting around. He gets out of breath very easily. He needs someone at the house with him 24/7. He is not on hospice care yet, they don't think he is quite at the point. 

If you made it this far, I applaud you! I wish you the courage to adjust your plans as necessary and the strength to continue on when it is scary and uncertain. 

Love and light, 

Hannah Seawell